Is there anything tougher than disappointment? Well, probably… But disappointment – real profound, down to the depths of your soul disappointment – is a tough one. Disappointment sucks the life out of you and makes everything feel like it’s happening underwater. It makes you feel defeated. Tired. Like you just want to sit down for a while (or maybe forever).
Today, I received news about the MRI I had done at the end of last week – and the news was disappointing. The results show a new kind of arthritis in my spine.
My first reaction was to cry. My second reaction was to Google. I think I’ve moved on to stage three now… And stage three is really profound disappointment.
This whole day is feeling oddly reminiscent of the day I was officially diagnosed with fibromyalgia – when I knew something was wrong (and I had figured out what the ‘wrong’ thing likely was), but when the words were finally spoken out loud, they weighed a thousand pounds. The disappointment was thick. It sucked all the air out of the room and it sucked all of the fight out of me. It’s sucking all the fight out of me now.
But there is good news.
The good news is that I’ve been here before. I’VE LIVED THROUGH THIS DAY. And so I know that it’s okay to sit, to cry, to stop fighting for a little while. Because I know that after today comes tomorrow (and then another tomorrow, and then a thousand more tomorrows). And tomorrow – whenever tomorrow happens – I’ll be able to find that part of me that is strong and resilient and brave and determined. That girl is AWESOME. And that girl will fight like hell to navigate this news and be as healthy as she can be for as long as she can be.
That girl feels so far away today. But I know that I’ll find her again SOON.